It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
He said the last thing he remembered thinking was: 'Why is this vagina spinning?' Too drunk sex is no ones friend.
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
If I have to strap one on and give it to you good, you will not die revirginated. That's friendship.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
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