The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
