Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
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