you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
