Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
Took her home last night and it was like trying to put an oyster in a slot machine. I may have drank a little too much.
He is like the real live version of the state fair..
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
What's goes good with Everclear?
Pepto-Bismol and a sandwich.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Randomize
