Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
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