Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
Though I feel a moral obligation to take you there, point out all of the male supervisors and slap you on the wrist and yell, "NO!!"
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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