the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
Did you have ill-advised lesbian sex on the deathbed of their relationship?
Of course. Go big or go home.
You're my fucking queen.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
So I've been in more fights on one leg than I've had on two.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Randomize
