Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
Can we reminisce? I held a mans penis while he peed. This is the craziest night I've ever had.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
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