Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So, I've discovered that I'm approximately 70% nicer to my mother when I've had an orgasm in the last 48 hours. It's science.
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Randomize
