I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
when I type Christina's, my phone's predictive text assumes my next word is boobage
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
Randomize
