Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
She just tried to snort granola up her nose but its ok she's not bleeding.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
so I guess I made a note in my phone last night to remind myself not to do shrooms on the cruise ship
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
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