wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
HE'S LIKE A GREEK GOD BUT HE'S FROM BOSTON. HE'S A BOSTON GOD
pray to him
I WANNA PRAY ON HIS DICK
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
Randomize
