I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Did I show you my penis last night?
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
That's like being smoked out by a unicorn. If the opportunity presents itself you fucking do it and don't ask questions.
You are a booty call, not a friend.
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Please tell your sister I apologize about saying her baby may have beef curtains. That was inappropriate.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
Randomize
