So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
Just went through the drive thru and got 18 free donuts in exchange for half a joint. Dunkin Donuts at midnight might become a nightly thing for us.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
I learned something last night. Strippers can be on house arrest?
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
You drunk? Cause I have a terrible idea...
Randomize
