I would have done the walk of shame but I couldnt walk
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Can I sell my birth control in a yard sale?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
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