I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I just went through her cupboards. Eye patch and sword. nowhere near each other. different shelfs.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
ttyl tear gas
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
Randomize
