note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
So I got a little fucked up on the punch, and made out with the family friend. Which is apparently morally reprehensible. I don't get that.
my being single is dangerous.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
I'm ordering dildos in a santa hat. You?
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
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