the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
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