he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
