nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I told him you're making deviled eggs for the party. Sisters make deviled eggs to get their sisters laid. It's science.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
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