She's JV to your varsity
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
It should be perfectly legal to tase anyone not wearing a mask.
Randomize
