I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I'm not saying you did or didn't sleep with him but he's has your thong hanging from his ceiling fan
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The beauty of his penis is distracting me from the fact that he was born after Princess Diana died
Randomize
