Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
you made sure to tell everyone that the amount of people you had slept with was actually quite low, especially when the size of your breasts was taken into account
There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
Randomize
