If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
What happened to my knees?
You ate shit in front of the homeless people. They applauded.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
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