I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
you know you're a stoner girl when you get a callus from your grinder
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Let's celebrate our country being screwed by screwing.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
Fuck your bullshit loser kid and his gluten allergy.
Randomize
