I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
We had sex in the tent after his 6th beer and while we were at it we had conversations with the people outside the tent.
Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
He was barking to the beat of "I like to fuck" and then chugged 3 beers and fell off the deck.. I should have gotten community service hours
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
Randomize
