how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
im six kinds of drunk right now
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
