What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
i'm at the st pattys day thing. the bar is packed. they just put on celine dion its all coming back to me now. i'm screaming the words.
it's 1 pm.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Red Alert: She has 3 cats, a parrot, and 2 rats. Initiate Protocol Zero and rendezvous at Checkpoint Bravo for debriefing
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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