Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
Define "chronic" masturbator.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Here's my recipe for happiness. Go get a pen. 1. smoke a bowl 2. put on explosions in the sky 3. take a bath. Do this for about 1 hour or until all your problems go away.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
it glows. i had to have it.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
The angle I tried to shoot a load on her face was unfortunate. I accidentally came on the David Bowie tribute she had out. Oddly, that made it more erotic.
Hey so I got my period
Thank god I wasn't ready to deal with sober you for 9 months
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
