I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Randomize
