I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
Impressive. I've never gotten straight denied and then chased the guy naked out of my own apt. I'll remember that next time.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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