Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
I totally intended to come to the hotel, but I woke up in a parking lot
The struggle is real.
they set my background as his mugshot to remind me "having a big penis won't be a valid excuse in a court room."
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Randomize
