Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
These bubbles make my penis feel like it is resting on clouds.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
So much for no-infidelity-fridays....
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
