haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
Hey its bob the builder. Where did you go?
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
Ack! That is the first dick pic I've ever received. A) congrats B) that is way grosser than I ever thought t would be.
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
