the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
