I just saw Ann slam dunk her puke bag into a trash can on Avenue A. You ladies might want to consider putting the Patron shots down and going home.
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
when your 30 and im 37 and we're lonely and single, lets make a pact to murder each other.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
