Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
We were cuddling in his bed and I asked him a question and followed by making a microphone with my hand and told him to speak into it. If he never talks to me again that's probably why.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
