Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
Randomize
