I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
