Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
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