For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Randomize
