im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?
If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
