I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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