True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
he was like "finding out that arrested development was cancelled" bad
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
