i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!
Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
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