walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
just ran into my father at CVS while buying condoms...he winked at me. I really need to move out of this town.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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