pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
The people at subway are so judgy when you stop to get a sandwhich on your walk of shame
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Randomize
