i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?
DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Randomize
