dude, you're being a jerk.
sorry, didn't mean to pull a Cheney
Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I should send him a pic of my crotch with the caption "thanks for the memories"
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
