People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.
Lost gin update. Blackout me found and re-hid the bottle. Left a note to myself saying, "GOOD LUCK, SUCKER!"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
