i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
So when we opened his headboard we found a bottle of crisco sitting on top of his porn magazines.
I guess we all know what he was cookin.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
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