I think my emotional moodswings have reached a new low. I cried for the entire duration of changing my tampon.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Just found some confetti on my nipple if that's any indicator of how the night went
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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