morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
And some neighbor just saw me naked and hunched over a bag of potato chips stuffing my face. Maybe clothes aren't a bad idea.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
Randomize
